The defining decade and why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now by Meg Jay sum

The twenty something years are the most heavily concentrated period from our life. Is the stage where our choices are going to form our future. The max point is around 35 years old, after that slowly things are getting less and less focused, because we have another type of challenges like family, business, paths that we already took before, and we are just going to polish them more or more.

This book is about defining and recognizing those 20 moments that matter, and how to make the most of them.

The unlived life is not worth examining

Its unfair to focus on the past when you know your future is in danger.

Love and work, work and love. Thats all there is

Compare with the past, people at 20 used to be married, with house, works and everything. Nowadays is very problematic stage, its like in the middle between adolescent and adult. Things have changed a lot compared to some decades ago, so we need to adapt ourself in order to not be left behind.

But for that , first we have to act, Now, because not making choices is a choice at the same time, you get it ? We have to stop thinking about doing it in the future, and focus on the doing it now, in the present. It's the power of NOW

Remember that twenties are the critical period of adulthood. The more things we get done now and learn, the easier it will be to continue them later on.


Adults dont emerge, they are made. We are born not all at once, but by bits.

To get our true and authentic identity, we dont have to rush, to the end, but use that period of delay as a safe explore, without real risk or obligations.

We have to invest in our identity capital, invest in ourselves(How we speak, how we solve problems, how we look, and so on)

Jumping on the employment part, once you get your grades, the longer it take to get our foot in work, the more likely we are to became different and damaged.

“Maybe I Should wait for something better to come along. Yea but actually , something better doesnt just come along. One good piece of capital is how you get to be better”

Luis example here

The strength of weak ties

The longer we have been around someone, the stronger the tie because we have shared experiences and confidences. Weak ties are the people we have met or are connected to somehow, but do not currently know well. Maybe neighbor, coworker, acquaintances or friends we lost touch years ago. Also former employers or professors

In order to success sometimes we have to make use of the weak ties. Weak ties makes use communicate from a place of differences, using an elaborated speech. It makes us be more carefully , and in consequences it makes a grow and change.

The ben franklin effect

He that had once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.

If weak ties do favors for us, they start to like us. Then they became even more likely to grant us additional favors in the future.

But then you ask yourself, why would a older or more successful person help in the first place? Its simple, its good to be good, there is a helper high that comes from being generous. Altruism is linked with happiness, health and longevity, as long as the help we give is not a burden

So next time dont be afraid to ask for a favor.

The unthought known

Uncertainty will always be part of the taking charge process.

Sometimes we have no past and no future . There is no particular life we want to life and no reason to go in any direction.

Its like being in the middle of the ocean, having all the directions which can be took, but you dont pick any direction at all cuz you are afraid of where you will reach. And you just wait there for someone, trying to copy them, but where will that ride you ? Sooner or later is not going to be something that you truly wanted


My life should look better on facebook

By looking at it, just like any social media, you are not seeing the real person, you are seeing a how they want it to be, they are not real, its full of fake. But most of the people dont realise that, and seeing all those stuffs, and believing that all of them are so successful, make them feel more and more depressed.iTS AN ILLUSION

Everyone has its own unique way and its own potential, we dont have to measure ourselves all the time with the other people, sometimes we just have to see our own view and believe in ourselves

The customized life

A person identity is not to be found in behavior, but in the capacity to keep a particular narrative going.

In order to get something done, you have first of course to start it.but thats not the end, its only the beginning, after that is the commitment to do it again and again and again. And even then there is still a lot more to know and a lot more to do. But the principle is the persistence


Society is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness. The most important decision any of us make is who we marry. Yet there is no course about how to choose your half one

Every aspect of your life is going to be tied to your spouse one. And if things doesn't work out it can be seen in the end like a failed job.

Problem and differences of the marriage, how they were in the past. How society affects it nowadays, telling you while you are in the 20 to not rush, but suddenly when you are 30 makes you feel like its the end of the world. Its a complete disillusion between. My opinion, you just have to believe in your gut and your inner self, and dont care about what society is telling you to do( of course assuming first you studied the field and you are 90-95% sure in your decisions).

Picking your family

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.

Today we see marriage as a commitment between two individuals. Western culture is generally individualistic, prizing independence and self-fulfillment in almost all areas. We empathize rights over duties and choose over obligation. This extends especially to marriage. We have all the rights in who we pick and with who we create our families.

The cohabitation effect

Sometimes the slower you go, the faster you will get there. Sometimes the best way to help people is to slow them down long enough to examine their own thinking.

Speak about how cohabitating with someone makes you actually not see the problems n the relation, but I kinda disagree with it. Depends on how you are in end, and how you communicate and how dedicated to the relation you are.

You have to understand why in the first place you are getting married.

You want because everyone around you does it, and you feel afraid for the day of tomorrow? Or you actually do it because you love that person more than anything, you want to spend the rest of your days with them, you want children with them and so on? Its all connected in the end. How much you are available to sacrifice for the other half and how worthy is it. You got no rush to do it, you do it because you feel it, because you love her/him and it the end is just going to be the same, with just another name. You dont do it because society tells you to do it

On dating down

The most difficult thing to cure is the attemp of that person at self cure.Just like for example a raft is good thing to have when you are crossing a river. But once you got to the other side, put it down, otherway it will drain you out with its weight. The same applies to some things that we believe they are helping us, but that doesnt mean we have to use them all the time. We cant behind objects, we have to be real with ourselves and fight the reality.

The power of our stories

Childhood is important, but highschool and our twenties and the times that define the most our experiences and memories, multiple studies affirm.

Its when we first start to form life stories, put together our social network, and our identity. Which in the end reveal our unique complexity.

Sometimes our stories need to be edited and revised. Sometimes when you are writing that story , you are blinded by the feeling of the moment, but what we have to do is to be more objective, instead of making sense only for you, make for everyone.

Being in like

In the end, people love those who are like themselves – Aristotle

Sometimes we hear that opposites attract, and maybe they do for a hookup. More often, similarity is the essence of compatibility. Studies have repeatedly found that couples who are similar in areas as socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity, religion, attitudes, values and intelligence are more like to be satisfied with their relationships and are less likely to seek divorce.

Among all those traits, the most important is the personality

After this we have the big five . For this I will write more in the description and you can visit it in the next link

The brain and the body 3rd part

Life can only be understood looking back to it, but it must be lived forward.

The more you use your brain, the more brain you will have to use.

So the main idea is that we have different skill sets:

Being smart in school is about how well you solve problems that have correct answer and clear time limits. But being a forward thinking adult is about how you think and act in uncertain situations. This one comes with practice and experience, so instead of running away from the problems we have to face them and solve them.

To put it forward, our twenties is a great risk and great opportunity situation. The more we avoid, the less our forward thinking will develop, but instead the more problems we face the more we advance.

Think about this :

Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Actions breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy instead.

In order to master one skill ,in general it takes around 10000h. So think about this next time. So the more time you spend on it, and the faster you start, the easier is going to reach that step.

Some final remarks :

Dont start a thing unless you are prepared to finish it.

It is unsettling to not know the future, there is not formula for a good life, and there is no right or wrong life. But there are choices and consequences.

The future is not written in the starts, there are no guarantees. So claim what is yours. Be intentional, get to work, pick your family and do the math after.


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